|Unique Issues Faced By Male Survivors
| There is great societal denial
of the fact that men get sexually assaulted. The chances are that most of us
don't ever hear about the topic of male sexual assault. The need to deny the
existence of male sexual assault is partly rooted in the mistaken belief that
men are immune to being victimized, that they should be able to fight off any
attacker if they are truly a "real man." A closely related belief is
that men can't be forced into sex - either they want it or they don't. These
mistaken beliefs allow lots of men to feel safe and invulnerable, and to think
of sexual assault as something that only happens to women.
Unfortunately, these beliefs can also increase the pain that
is felt by a male survivor of sexual assault. These beliefs leave the male
survivor feeling isolated, ashamed, and "less of a man." No wonder so
few men actually get help after being sexually assaulted. The fact is that only
5 to 20% of all victims of sexual assault actually report the crime-- the
percentage for male victims is even lower. Feelings of shame, confusion and
self-blame leave many men suffering in silence after being sexually assaulted.
Below are some of the unique problems and concerns that male
survivors may experience:
For most men the idea of
being a victim is very hard to handle. We're raised to believe that a man
should be able to defend himself against all odds, or that he should be willing
to risk his life or severe injury to protect his pride and self-respect. How
many movies or TV shows have you seen in which the "manly" hero is
prepared to fight a group of huge guys over an insult or name-calling? Surely,
you're supposed to fight to the death over something like unwanted sexual
advances...right? These beliefs about "manliness" and
"masculinity" are deeply ingrained in most of us and can lead to
intense feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy for the male survivor of sexual
Many male survivors may even question whether they deserved
or somehow wanted to be sexually assaulted because, in their minds, they failed
to defend themselves. Male survivors frequently see their assault as a loss of
manhood and get disgusted with themselves for not "fighting back."
These feelings are normal but the thoughts attached to them aren't necessarily
true. Remind yourself that you did what seemed best at the time to survive -
there's nothing unmasculine about that.
As a result of their guilt, shame and anger some men punish
themselves by getting into self-destructive behavior after being sexually
assaulted. For lots of men, this means increased alcohol or drug use. For
others, it means increased aggressiveness, like arguing with friends or
co-workers or even picking fights with strangers. Many men pull back from
relationships and wind up feeling more and more isolated. It's easy to see why
male survivors of sexual assault are at increased risk for getting depressed,
getting into trouble at work, getting physically hurt, or developing alcohol
and drug problems.
Many male survivors also develop sexual difficulties after
being sexually assaulted. It may be difficult to resume sexual relationships or
start new ones because sexual contact may trigger flashbacks, memories of the
assault, or just plain bad feelings. It can take time to get back to normal so
don't pressure yourself to be sexual before you're ready.
For heterosexual men,
sexual assault almost always causes some confusion or questioning about their
sexuality. Since many people believe that only gay men are sexually assaulted,
a heterosexual survivor may begin to believe that he must be gay or that he
will become gay. Furthermore, perpetrators often accuse their victims of
enjoying the sexual assault, leading some survivors to question their own
experiences. In fact, being sexually assaulted has nothing to do with sexual
orientation, past, present or future. People do not "become gay" as a
result of being sexually assaulted.
For gay men, sexual
assault can lead to feelings of self-blame and self-loathing attached to their
sexuality. There is already enough homophobic sentiment in society to make many
gay men suffer from internal conflicts about their sexuality. Being sexually
assaulted may lead a gay man to believe he somehow "deserved it,"
that he was "paying the price" for his sexual orientation.
Unfortunately, this self-blame can be reinforced by the ignorance or
intolerance of others who blame the victim by suggesting that a gay victim
somehow provoked the assault or was less harmed by it because he was gay. Gay
men may also hesitate to report a sexual assault due to fears of blame,
disbelief or intolerance by police or medical personnel. As a result gay men
may be deprived of legal protections and necessary medical care following an
Some sexual assaults of men are actually forms of
gay-bashing, motivated by fear and hatred of homosexuality. In these cases,
perpetrators may verbally abuse their victims and imply that the victim
deserved to be sexually assaulted. It's important to remember that sexual
assault is an act of violence, power and control and that no one
deserves it .
No-one deserves to
No survivor deserves the blame.
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